Tonight was one of those nights where you do the most random assortment of things (whether productive or unnecessary) and at the end of it, realize that you've stayed up late enough to be the only one awake in your house. Then you find yourself alone with only the silence of your home, and the restlessness of your thoughts. Consequently, you can't sleep because your mind won't rest. And I am currently wide awake. Since I was up, I decided that I was going to write about these restless thoughts.
About two years ago, my relationship with dance was just as much a struggle in self-acceptance as it was a lesson in perseverance. I was very focused on learning to be confident in myself in spite of whatever skill level I was at, and trying my best to keep doing my best even if I wasn't where I wanted to be yet.
Two years later... I'm STILL working on trying to be confident in myself as a dancer/person, while still trying my hardest to do my best no matter how badly I wish I was where I want to be. But where do I really want to be?
I've literally been praying pretty much my entire dance life to be where I am now--to take virtually every technique class that my studio offers, to dance at Worlds, to teach a huge class, to be so extremely passionate to learn even though I can't always get choreo. Where I am now is exactly where I wanted to be when I started getting really into dance. Yet I still find myself so easily dissatisfied with my progress. Hmmmm.
But you know guys, maybe that's life. We're going to want things, and if we want them badly enough, we're going to work for them. And then we're going to be so caught in up wanting those things, that grade, that person and that opportunity, that we're probably not even going to know when we're there or when we have what we want. Maybe we already have what we want. We have a chance to live, a chance to learn from yesterday, and a chance to find out what living life full out means. We have TODAY.
Maybe I don't have the skill set of a seasoned choreographer, but I can still move. Maybe I haven't had the opportunity to teach somewhere prestigious and totally new to me, but I have my students, and I try to do the best I can to help them grow. Maybe my musicality isn't as good as I wish it was, but I still cherish music. Maybe I can't always take class in Vancouver or Burnaby, but I have my home studio and my whole family (dance and real life) there to support me. Maybe I'll come to a point where I'll be so tired that I just want to give up-- but I know I love dancing anyways. And it's love for anything or anyone that'll see us through.
I'm nowhere near to having this not-giving-up thing figured out. But I'm learning, as we all are, and I write these things in the hopes that you'll remember that you're not alone because we're all on this journey together. Perhaps we won't end up where we want to end up; maybe we'll end up somewhere better. Either way, we can't get there if we don't start here. All that matters is that we just keep going, and that we forgive ourselves for being human as we go on.
PS and Note to Self: Today is a good day to be thankful for how far we've come :)
To God be all the glory!
I figured I may as well comment on something, as it seems to bring joy to others to give them reassurance. Then I see a post like this and I immediately form the opinion that you are someone who needs no reassurance, rather you have everything you've ever wanted from your chosen passion, and yet your yearning to succeed has made it appear that something is off when you reached your goal.
ReplyDeleteI've always been a believer in the idea that if your not enjoying what you do, or the career path you've chosen, etc, that you should change what your doing. If your not happy with it, change, it is as simple as that. But as you've noted, sometimes when we are really passionate about something, when we get it we've idolized it and raised it into something so perfect in our mind, that when we do get it and realize it is just something flawed like ourselves we loose hope.
An interesting point brought up by someone I knew a year or more ago was that we should live each day as if it were our last, for in many ways it is. While it may sound quite pessimistic, it is in a sense true, because if we waste what precious time we have, we have squandered a resource more precious than gold, or oil, or anything, rather we have squandered time...
Another way to look at life is an excerpt from a Burton Cummings song (I bet you've never heard of Burton, it appears you have a more modern taste in music, but that is alright, maybe it is time to expand your horizons and explore as you get older and more mature) called "It All Comes Together".
The lyrics are as follows:
I know you've been downhearted, you've been hurtin' on the inside
Lookin' like that sun wasn't shinin' no more
Pick yourself up, smile some, and try to see the bright side
All comes together as you grow
Yes you know that it all comes together, it all comes together
All comes together as you grow
You can not trade your wisdom for the youth that you've been missin'
'Cause it'll all come together as you grow
I know that you've been lonely, you could have used someone to talk to
But that's just one chapter, and honey your story ain't through
You're richer with your treasure with every year that's passing
And everytime you think about it honey it'll pull you through
'Cause you know that it all comes together, it all comes together
All comes together as you grow
You can not trade your wisdom for the youth that you've been missin'
'Cause it'll all come together as you grow
It might be worth your while to listen to it, if you have the time, or the energy, posting at 5:18 in the morning takes a lot of energy.
If you take anything from this comment, I would say your mission in life should be to remember that "... You can not trade your wisdom from the youth that you've been missin'..., You're richer with your treasure with every year that's passing..."
Needless to say the grammar is poor in the way I quoted the song, but I know you are able to comprehend the written language quite easily, especially with the eloquant way you have posted in the past.
Continue to live life to the fullest, and post often.
Sincerely,
Your faithful reader,
~Surrey's last poet...
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts :) I actually tried searching up "It All Comes Together" but I can't seem to find it on YouTube... I hope to find it soon. But I really appreciate the lyrics. I really took them to heart.
ReplyDeleteI would love to post more often, but I'm really busy during the week so I usually only post when it's something school-related. But sometimes when I find myself inspired to write, I'll post for fun :D Haha
I'm quite sorry that it has taken me this long to respond to your comment.
ReplyDeleteI did a quick search looking for It All Comes Together, and alas it is not on YouTube, or easily available through any searchable means on the internet... The only solution I can see to this would be purchasing the song on iTunes, or through another online source, of course you could always go out and buy the album on a compact disk.
I feel I might be dating myself by saying that, do people ever even go out and buy CD's anymore? I certainly have a small collection of them, but even I quite enjoy the convenience of going into the iTunes store and just purchasing a track or two that I like...
Back to the topic at hand, Burton Cummings, and his song "It All Comes Together", I believe you might also like some of his other songs, and possibly entire albums. If you have the time, I would suggest listening and possibly purchasing the album "Dream of a Child". Here are a few other songs he has done that you might enjoy as well; "Takes A Fool To Love A Fool", "Timeless Love", "Stand Tall", "I Will Play A Rhapsody", and "I'm Scared".
As a further aside, I was wondering if you've had any further thoughts on editing your original piece on Adam Curtis and Sigmund Freud? I also would like to ask if you ever go back and look over the works you have done in the past? The reason I ask if you go back is because I have recently done just that, gone back over the works you have written and I can quite clearly see a growth of understanding and maturity in your work. One of my personal favourite topics of the past, was your piece on Le Guin's Omelas, which now looking at your heartfelt, well, confessions on your fear of failure, rejection, and the mistakes you made and have accepted, I can clearly cite an astounding growth within your writing.
I look forward to reading your next instalment, whether it be planned, or unplanned, a confession of mistakes, or a selfless expression of your fears.
Sincerely,
Your faithful reader,
~Surrey's last poet...
Notre Bene, I suddenly got the idea that with all of your truly unrestrained talents, both in writing and otherwise, that you have probably written some truly remarkable poetry. Have you ever written any poetry, and would you be willing to post some more of your works of selfless expression?